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Welcome to my journal

Updated: Jul 26, 2021

I know it's weird, and most people probably don't care what's going on in my head at the best (or worst) or times... but this project is part of my journey.. and even though it started 30 years ago (ALMOST!! ughhh), sometimes, it's good to write it all down and let it out. (As my therapist once said) So, yeah. Welcome.

Dear diary....

Ha! I'm kidding - this is not some Hollywood rom-com or vampire diaries BS. Welcome to 'whatever the hell is in Rachel's mind today' - Part 1. So - Why a 'blog' or 'online journal' or 'over sharing content creation' - you may ask? Well, you see - I have a lot to say, and sometimes I feel like I am misunderstood or just simply not heard. So I've gone through a lot of trouble and effort creating my own damn website, so I can write and say just what I damn want. Simple. This is no PG rated journal either, I am under the commitment and assumption (of myself) - that I will be an open book - sharing all my brightest and darkest thoughts. And yeah, I could go old school and write it down, but I'm quicker on the computer, and I think that if I put it out in the world I am accountable, and I can go back and learn from all my mistakes (which these entries are going to be FULL of!)

I have been a so-called 'creative' for pretty much my whole life. Being told to 'express yourself' through art/music/dance is something that I like to do freely, even if there are repercussions. For example - 'Freedom of Speech'. Right. Not a REAL thing?

A double edged sword. 'Damned if you do, damned if you don't' situations. Online posts (such as this), social media and the actual media, is just a massive platform full of self righteous people saying shit simply because they can. We need to unplug the microphones, put the keyboards away, put down that phone and just shut the actual F*** up. Everyone is talking - saying their piece - but is anyone LISTENING?? Endless debates on instagram, facebook, twitter - going on and on and on - around in circles. Don't you just want to remove it? I'm not saying you can't have your opinions, or say how you feel - ABSOLUTELY you can - but there is only a SMALL percentage of people who actually have an audience. Like right now for example - if one person reads this, cool - but we all know that the keyboard warriors out in the world want their 5 minutes of fame and literally feed and thrive off of it. Like an addiction really. I had a great friend once (I'd like to think we are still friends though - Oli - how you doin'? how's the kids?) watch me glare and cringe at my phone as I scrolled through Insta. Like the freakin' GENIUS he is, this guy said something along of lines of 'Why do you still follow these people if they aggravate or trigger you in a negative way... just unfollow them.. delete them...".

As if I have just entered uncharted waters, as if he had just discovered the cure for Cancer, I was literally mind blown. Like, am I a dumb ass? How simple could this be? I've been having anxiety for a long time, and never thought that it was from something so innocent as following an old acquaintance on socials? UNFOLLOW. DELETE. All these negative thoughts, all this 'drama' that didn't belong to me, just simply disappeared.

Maybe it's an empath thing? I don't know. I do know, however, that I am a massive empath and it literally affects my day to day. I see myself as a saviour (NOT in that kinda of way) for the small things. Like - Oh, you can't do this - I'll just neglect myself for the next 5 hours to help you' (as an example). I think I'm doing a good thing, right? I'm putting MY needs, MY mental health, MY wellbeing aside to help someone who is not going to remember it within the hour? It's exhausting. And, it's my fault, and now I'm the asshole. Heaven forbid I need help, or I need 'me' time. 'You did it last time - just do it again'....It's sad, because like the revolving door, I'll keep doing the same thing, over and over again - 'cause the sad truth is that it makes ME feel good. WHAT??!?

Yeah, I said it out aloud. Neglecting myself = makes me feel good. Needed. Appreciated? No, definitely not.

Wanted? No, more a convenience for others.

Used and abused, by myself. And I can't blame anyone else - right?

No, that would be too easy - 'I didn't ask for you to do that', 'you chose to do that''.... Do I have some kind of sick sixth sense that thinks it's funny for me to help fix every single problem that just happens to land within my orbit? Probably. What am I going to do about it? Nothing, most likely. Or maybe try and say no to my inner 'saviour' me, and say yes to my inner 'selfish' me? Doing things for yourself isn't selfish is it? Hard to know, sometimes....

Well............. That was a slap in the face, if I needed one.

Task 1: Say yes to ME things. Prioritise ME, my GOALS, my NEEDS. I'll let ya'll know how it goes..... Rach xx

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